Start Marriage Right / Boundaries in Dating - Start Marriage Right
based on “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend Note: If you are leading a group study of the book and want to do the. Title: Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Copyright Date: Book Summary: Book Notes. The Paperback of the Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud, John Townsend | at Barnes.
Personal boundaries about respect, values, time, control, and blame and applied in the world of dating made a lot of sense to me and I can certainly see this being an issue in many of the couples and individuals who I have counseled in the past.
Before I saw dating boundary errors only in the sexual realm which is also discussed but my view is expanded significantly. If you aren't able to stand up for your boundary of say, having your date be honest with you, how can you expect them to stand up to your boundary of staying sexually pure? It sounds like common sense but I had never put the two together before. Two of many nuggets of wisdom stood out to me: This was my experience and I have been telling people this for years, but the authors explain it really well and show grimly what happens if this rule is not followed.
The second was in relationships, you get what you tolerate. When we allow someone to get away with things, we enable them to be less then mature with us. I found that to be a very powerful thought and hope it will be a way to help motivate clients to enforce their boundaries and take responsibility for their own part in it.
I will definitely be using this book with clients in the near future and would also like to try doing psychoeducational seminars or groups with it as well pairing it with the workbook. There is ongoing awareness of all the relevant pieces required to fulfill the task—working memory.
Good things tend to follow from good meetings in which the three executive functions are nurtured.
Random Enlightenment: Book Review: Boundaries In Dating
Indeed research shows that there are tangible benefits when people are clear about where they are headed, energized to go there, and given the freedom to execute their gifts in that direction. So, whenever you do meet, make sure it is clear what you want people to attend to in that meeting, what you want to inhibit, and what you are trying to keep in their working memory.
Location Here is a little more brain science for you. If executive functions of the brain are working well, and people are structured enough to focus, inhibit, and be conscious of what is important, they can execute the following list of behaviors, which actually are involved in producing results. If you are a leader interested in results, and you think of all of your people doing these things well, this list should make you very, very excited: They can choose goals based on priority, relevance, experience, and knowledge of current realities while also anticipating consequences and outcomes.
They can generate steps and a sequence of linear behaviors that will get them there, knowing what will be needed along the way, including resources, and create a strategy to pull it off.
They can begin and maintain goal-directed behavior despite intrusions, distractions, or changes in the demands of the task at hand. They can exercise the ability to be adaptable, think strategically, and solve problems by creating solutions as things change around them, shifting attention and plans as needed. Execution and Goal Attainment: They exhibit the ability to execute the plan within the limits of time and other constraints.
They use self-observation to monitor performance, self-judgment to evaluate performance, and self-regulation to change in order to reach the goal. Location In order for the brain to organize behavior toward new habits and new ways of performing, it must create new pathways to do that.
Book Review: Boundaries In Dating: 3/5 Stars – Eric Demeter
In order for those new pathways to be created, people need experiences of being able to attend, be aware, and focus on their own thinking and what is going on that is relevant to their thinking. When you give them leadership that gets them to observe what they are doing, in light of what needs attention, inhibition, and remembering, lights begin to turn on.
From those kinds of experiences come insight, which is like a lightning bolt that creates new wiring in the brain. Clarity leads to attention and attention leads to results.
Location Good boundaries, both those that help us manage ourselves and lead others, always produce freedom, not control. It is the freedom to attend and produce. Freedom used responsibly produces results.
It is a production cycle on steroids. Location In the same way that the brain cannot work without the executive functions in place, it also cannot work if it is drowning in stress hormones.
The cold, hard scientific facts are that your people think better when they are not stressed, afraid, or depressed. Yet many leaders do not put a lot of thought into creating a positive emotional climate for their people, and sometimes they create the exact opposite.
As a result of their leadership, they create stress, fear, and sometimes even depression. Location Fight, flight, or freeze are the only options when there is a high degree of stress, because the higher brain shuts down.
One very successful CEO I know has put this research into a simple, powerful policy at his company: Location There are two human drives. One is connection and the other is aggression.
Aggression here does not mean anger. It means initiative and energy, used in the service of goals. Everything we do is either relational or goal directed—or, ideally, both. We connect and we accomplish tasks.
The love requires a positive relational tone and the work requires drive, expectations, and discipline. Location But be aware of the fact that as a leader, your position carries much more psychological and emotional weight than you know. As a result, they can often hear criticism in ways that you never intended, and that adds to the complexity of your job as a leader.
Location But life is not all about avoiding negative consequences. There are positive reality consequences that increase performance as well—such as helping more customers, closing more deals, reaching transcendent goals, watching results rise, growing the company, increasing value, earning bonuses and promotion. Good stress pushes people to do great things, much greater than if there were no consequence to their actions. Location As the person in charge of setting emotional boundaries, your job is twofold.
Location When we are emotionally and relationally connected to others, stress levels in the brain diminish. Put simply, relationships change brain chemistry. Location More research findings about the positive effects of supportive connections continue to pour in, and they are equally compelling and conclusive: Location Here are some of those ingredients that build connected unity: Unity grows when people come together around a shared purpose or goal. Unity and connection grow as mutual awareness grows.
Here I mean more than just asking people to give status reports, which are often best delivered by e-mail. Coherent and Relevant Narrative: We know from cognitive science that the human brain likes to organize experiences into a story, a narrative about who we are, where we have been, and where we are going. It would be nice if business, and life, were all happy talk. It is hard, and it sometimes brings about situations where people feel pain, fear, grief, or anger.
But avoidance of the tough issues, what psychologists call conflict-aversion, only makes things worse. So to create unity, sometimes we have to get right into the hard stuff, the things that people are really upset about. At some time or other, we all experience very difficult, even destructive, emotional states.
Connecting with others can provide a form of self-regulation. Reflection is not problem solving, planning, or initiating something new. It is not judging. Repair is one of the most important things that happens in good relationships.
The truth of the matter is that we do have conflict, misunderstandings, reactions, and the like. We do get disconnected and miss each other. Probably the most important connection builder is simple, but aggressive active and intentionallistening. It is simple because it gets to the most basic need in life. People want to be known and understood. Location The prevailing thinking patterns of a team or an organization—its norms and belief systems—will define what it is and what it does.
Location The reasons organizations get stuck in one way of thinking are manifold, but one of the main causes is the failure of a leader to spot negative thinking and effectively set boundaries that prevent it from taking root while also making sure that optimism rules. What you create, and what you allow, is what you get as a leader.3 Keys to Set Good Boundaries in Dating and Relationships
Location As a psychologist, I know that there are two kinds of people in the world. People whose circumstances overcome them, and people who overcome their circumstances.
Location The lesson for leaders is clear: Focus your people on what they have control of that directly affects the desired outcomes of the organization. When you do that, two powerful things happen.
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Not only do you get results, but you also change the brains of your people so they function better and then get even more results, in a spiraling, upward direction. They have more energy, and they have a better sense of well-being.
The lesson for leaders is this: And then, help them focus that control on the things that drive results, and they win, and you will, too. Location Nothing drives strong teams like great performance, and what drives strong performance is a commitment to a shared vision and shared goals with behaviors and relationships aligned with reaching those goals. Teams can get along well and still go nowhere; to get somewhere, they have to do more than get along. They have to work together on the right things in the right ways at the right time toward the same goal.
They have to perform. And that requires teamwork. And teamwork is only driven by a shared purpose or goal.
Boundaries for Leaders
Location And the one thing we know about behavior is that it is under your control. When you recognize that fact, you can move from being overwhelmed to being empowered. You realize that everything that causes bad outcomes is in your control to change, and that everything that causes good outcomes is also due to your behavior. Change behavior, and you change outcomes. Location The first requirement to build trust is to connect through understanding the other person.
Remember, people do not trust us when we understand them.