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That said, I want to reiterate that there's nothing wrong with being overweight, and there are some very attractive curvy women out there. In fact, once upon a time, having curves was a societal standard of beauty. Don't assume that this man will turn you down simply for your weight - just be honest and tell him the facts in a straightforward and unashamed manner.
You want to feel good. Send him a flattering pic the day before with a note saying you have a new haircut and you wanted to make sure he recognised you because you are looking forward to meeting him.
The question, as others have said, isn't if he will find you attractive at this size, but if he will be put off by the perceived subterfuge. Some people are - even people who might not see this as a deal-breaker I wouldn't might feel It raises questions of what else you might see as ok to mislead people about when really, it's just that it's an old profile you hadn't gotten around to updating yet. I'd suggest going with C. And then just be your gorgeous self when you meet him on Friday.
Knock his socks off. Just because there are people who deliberately post misleading pictures. Don't cancel the date; he's partly interested based on college which was even further back. Do you have recent photos of yourself on facebook? If so, I would say just friend him on facebook. He will feel misled, and even worse--you do not want to see that first look on his face when he does a double-take to recognize you.
I promise you that. What if your thyroid goes wonky tomorrow? What if you develop another health issue that means you have to go on steroids or some other med that has weight gain as a side effect?
Live in your now. It's great to be working on health and fitness goals, but don't put your life on hold until you get where you want to be. Living in the past or some imagined future is what got you into this stressful situation. Update your life and your mindset and your dating profiles. Lying and denying do nobody any good. I'm sorry to be talking like a roomful of slogan t-shirts! First, I am not meeting, contacting or responding to anyone else on the site, and will absolutely have an up-to-date profile if and when the time comes that I want to date new people.
This was an odd and completely unexpected one-off -- that's why I feel so lost about how to proceed. It's as if he saw my contact info in the alumni newsletter with no photo at all, realized we both lived in the same city, so said via LinkedIn, "hey, we're in the same city, we should catch up!
The fact that we both happen to know that the other person is single and has many compatible dating preferences makes it more loaded than that, of course, as does the willing participation in flirting, but I promise that by no means was I "lying to get him to go on a date with me. Or if I've been married. Some of the what I've read here so far confirms my fears enough that I'm really compelled just to cancel.
From a practical standpoint, unfortunately, the "you might not recognize me" angle might come across as even more overtly weird even with the weight change, and a hair color change! I'm just one of those people that's instantly recognizable. Also, unfortunately, he's not on Facebook, though that's a great idea. I've been pretty camera-shy this year, maybe with a few exceptions from the Christmastime that at least show show fuller cheeks, but in order to send a photo that's more indicative of what I look like now, I'd have to take it myself in the full-length mirror.
I can do that, I just wanted to be clear about I'm working with. Obviously this is awkward. But this is happening now, not further along in that process, and I just feel like I've managed to ambush myself. In retrospect, of course I should have taken my photos down even just to poke around OKC, since I didn't intend to and didn't communicate with anyone. I will either update the photos or disable the profile ASAP, and again, I assure you that my ideal would be to meet someone who either is specifically turned on by or at least neutral about someone in my weight range and knows that before we meet.
I just need to figure out how to get through the next few days with my dignity and optimism intact, if at all possible. Go with Sidhedevil posts - makes perfect sense! Some stuff you don't have to explain to everyone, but you should be honest about who you currently are. It isn't really about the weight but representing yourself accurately. The issue you need to address is how nervous you are, not whether or not he is okay with your weight. Focus on finding some means to address that without putting it on him to make a judgement call upfront about you as a sex object.
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Maybe you can somehow convey how flustered this has you without making it into more drama than it really is. You already called it a "quasi date" so I think you are clear you are meeting in part to determine if you both want to proceed. It is okay if the answer is "no". It is not okay to ask him at gunpoint to predecide the thing he is having the meeting to help him decide.
Maybe you can just let him know you are more flustered than you thought you would be and ask him to not read anything into that except flattery? I appreciate the sentiment behind this, I truly do. But making this an important ethical issue is not severable from suspicions about whether he will find her attractive at this size.
If that's not an issue, then it isn't "subterfuge" any more than it would be if you had lost weight -- which I suspect nobody would tell you that you have some important, treat-him-fairly, don't-be-a-jerk ethical obligation to disclose. If the guy takes one look at you and decides you're a deceitful liar and stomps out, that is absolutely bound up with a value judgment about not finding you attractive at the size you are, and if you're going to own up to the fact that you should have current pictures up, he doesn't get to pretend that judging your attractiveness has nothing to do with it, it's just honesty.
Nobody says, "How dare you lie to me and make me think you're less attractive than you are! This date is canceled!
16 Fitness Experts Who Used to Be Overweight
I'm not saying the "he will feel betrayed" business is wrong though I personally don't think it's warranted and I absolutely don't believe all guys react that waybut it's hardly a free-floating admiration of honesty that isn't, at its base, about not being attracted to her because of her size.
If that doesn't affect his feelings about how attractive she is, he won't be upset any more than he would be if she showed up with glasses instead of contacts. I understand all the different approaches to the ethics of this, but I don't think it's wise to pretend that looking at someone who turns out to be heavier than you thought and concluding that you've been sold a bill of goods is a fully separate issue from whether you think she's equally attractive at whatever weight or not.
That just invites confusion and more weirdness. Which is quite different from the sentiment that the difference makes the person less physically attractive - and I may be overly nervous, but having a fellow show up significantly skinnier or more muscle-y than in posted photos has also caused a bit of alarm on my part.
I just think it's important for people to realistically understand -- yes, sometimes people will take one look at you, and they'll get polite and remote, and it will be about your looks. It won't be "well, it's your looks, but really it's that you look like you have low self-esteem or you don't take care of yourself" or something like that that people often feel obligated to say because they've been made to believe it's shallow to care about looks.
For some people, it's your looks, and that can happen to you literally no matter what you look like. No matter what you look like, there are people for whom you're just not aesthetically their thing. And the great thing is that you still won't die, and you're still okay, and you'll still meet somebody else.
That's the part that's harder to learn and more important. Being fat is not inherently grosser or more unattractive than being skinny. I say go on the date and don't mention it at all. If he's not attracted to you then you still got to go out with a friend for a night. Bringing it up at all makes it a point of conversation and who the hell needs that?
Lose weight or don't, but just don't talk about it and make it A Thing. I can't imagine a more awkward date or pre-date convo! That means he will notice and react silently. We check your OKC profile one last time before heading out to meet you - this is the most indirect way of "letting him know. You won't be the first to do so, and it shows above-board ownership. Honestly, I try like hell to not broadcast things like what I prefer in male appearance or traits.
I have run into the problem too many times that if you say "I prefer blondes" you will be saying it to the one and only brunette on the planet that you would sell your soul to get with and now they won't speak to you because you hurt their feelings.
Some guy I knew when I was very plump who talked unceasingly about The Importance of Petiteness in a woman once told me he would talk to me if he thought it might lead to something.
I wouldn't tell him I was crushing on him real bad because he went on and on and on about how the only thing that mattered was that a woman be some tiny little waif and that is not me even when I am thin. I am 5'8" and have a Germanic build. So even men who have a distinct preference will make exceptions.
He would have considered making an exception for me. In short, don't say no for him and if he is truly asinine about it, you probably don't want him anyway. I don't appreciate the false advertising about appearance or anything else, and I'm not sure your history changes that. I don't know how this guy will feel, but I'm in the "here's a recent pic so we recognize each other" camp.
He doesn't want to gawp at you in surprise that you don't look like your OKC picture or like you did in college, and you don't want to be embarrassed by seeing him be surprised, so it seems like a reasonable move to me.
And yes, it would be bizarre to tell someone you had gained or lost weight in an email unless it made you unrecognizable, so again you're back to the "attached is a photo so you can recognize the me! If you can come up with a current face shot, that should be fine and will give some idea you put on a few pounds.
A full body shot is over complicating the issue. It is also making it too much about assuming he treats women as nothing but sex objects. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't lay that on him. Even if all you ever dated were men who treated you like a sex object, give him the chance to be the guy that treats you like an actual human being in addition to liking you sexually. The point of sending a pic is to give just enough info to make you less freaked out about this and give him the chance to adjust mentally before the meeting, in case he needs that, which he may not.
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It isn't supposed to present you as a piece of meat on display asking for his preapproval in that regard. Anyway, best of luck, whatever you decide. It is still your decision. That way, you'll be more comfortable because you won't feel you're misleading him, AND it won't be all weird because it will clearly be a joke. However, barring this, I still think it's entirely unnecessary that you address this at all.
IF it comes up, you can be honest, and say only that you haven't used OKC in years and haven't updated any of your information for a long time. Danielle answers my questions to tell us all about her new site.
What inspired you to create a dating website dedicated to those with significant weight-loss journeys? Tell me a bit about your own background, both personally and professionally. The concept is to connect those experiencing the same challenges and accomplishments in regards to weight loss in hopes that their relationship will prosper through understanding, support and encouragement.
On a personal level, I have had the opportunity to explore online dating and learn where there is room for improvement. I have also struggled with weight loss throughout my life and appreciate the importance of having a true partner in a relationship. I have a professional background in project management. This experience helped to stimulate my desire in creating Entity8 to bring to life a lot of the ideas I have had over the years.
In addition to the weight-loss aspect, is there anything else different about how this dating website functions compared to other sites like Match. You can register for free, look around, create a profile and even record where you are percentage-wise in your weight loss journey as a means to spark some conversation and know where others are as well.
Perhaps you are just starting to lose weight and you would like to find someone who is also not too far along so that you can work together and potentially bond through the experience.